


An End Has a Start

by quenchmysoul



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Vancouver Canucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-02
Updated: 2013-04-02
Packaged: 2017-12-07 06:11:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/745206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quenchmysoul/pseuds/quenchmysoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The end, the beginning, the middle ... they all blur into one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An End Has a Start

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blueabsinthe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueabsinthe/gifts).



> Written in September 2011 after the Canucks run to the Stanley Cup Finals. Posting for archiving purposes. 
> 
> Title from the song of the same name by The Editors.

With every end there is a beginning. 

Sami knows this all too well. 

Knows who he thinks of when he thinks of how the end connects to the beginning. How the in-between blurs between the two points. The beginning, the end. The in-between. It doesn't matter how Sami remembers it all, Kevin is always still the one constant in those spaces. 

He lays in bed, the warmth of Johanna's body pressing against him, as he lets Kevin overtake his thoughts. The three connecting points coalesce into one. A mass of shapes and colours like a kaleidoscope. It's only been two weeks since Game seven, but already, Finland makes him feel like a tourist. Sami turns his head slightly, taking in Johanna's closed eyelids, and he can't help but think the peacefulness she exhibits when she sleeps is like how Kevin looked after all those morning afters. 

Beginning ...

Kevin.

Middle …

Kevin.

So, this is how it ends: 

Kevin. 

Kevin taking him by the hand and all but pulling him up the flight of stairs to his apartment. Kevin opening his door, and pushing Sami up against his door. The din of sirens seem distant and far away as Kevin tugs on Sami's shirt front. He doesn't ask how he feels, and really, Sami doesn't care, seeing as how he knows how Kevin must be feeling. The cup … home ice … all gone. He lets Kevin kiss his cheeks, too drained to stop him. Lets Kevin press his mouth to his, and oh, Kevin tastes like mint, sweat, and ice. Sami's high with the feel of Kevin's body warm against him, the heated way he lines their hips up, the way he finally manages to get the zipper on Sami's fly undone.

And, before Sami knows what's happening, Kevin's pushed him back onto the bed, tugging his pants off as he does so. Sami feels clumsy and all too real - sharp edges and a battered body - as his hands shakily manage to get Kevin undressed. His hands fumble over Kevin's belt, and he hears himself apologizing. Kevin presses his mouth to Sami's ear, as he mutters _Shh … shh_ over and over like some kind of prayer. Sami lets his breath out in short desperate pants, his hands running over as much of Kevin's flesh as he can, knowing this is the last time they can be together until … well, until the fall. 

It feels like goodbye. A goodbye neither of them can admit to. 

But, as Sami feels Kevin's hands warm on his sides, as Kevin inches his way down his torso, he thinks maybe this is their way of saying goodbye. 

And, when Kevin's breath ghosts over his cock, Sami stops thinking all together.

_Goodbye … goodbye … goodbye,_ he repeats over and over in his head.

There's a moment after the end:

Sami's sitting at the other end of the table, watching as the rest of the team sings 'Happy Birthday' to Kevin. He watches as Kevin laughs, the peal of his voice finding him from across the table, and Sami almost forgets they lost the cup only a few hours ago. 

Their server sets another beer in front of Kevin, and he watches as Ryan playfully punches Kevin's shoulder. Kevin's eyes glance at him - Sami thinks he looks like life, light, and summer - before he smiles and turns his attention back to his food. 

Sami knows this is their goodbye. And, really, as he laughs at something said by one of their teammates, he's okay with that. 

And, then there's the beginning:

A slight brush of fingers. A press of Kevin's hand at the small of his back. Sami's not too sure when it was. He remembers thinking it was usually after he came back from an injury. He thinks the beginning was the time he helped Kevin back after he was done recovering from his leg injury. 

Except, he's not too sure. 

He does remember the first time, though.

He remembers feeling Kevin's cheek as it pressed between his shoulder blades, as his fingers pressed into him, stretching him so he could fit. 

_Sami …_ Kevin whispers against his back, and Sami's eyes snap open as he stares at the sheets, watching as Kevin's free hand runs down his cock. And, really, Sami's not too sure what it is Kevin wants him to say. All he knows is this feels right. 

And then there's the middle. Plenty of moments, plenty of times Kevin enters his mind:

The regular season. Workouts. Times spent wandering around Yaletown. On the road. Foreign airports. Phone calls back home. Hotel rooms. Hotel bars. Avoiding roommates. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. All the different arenas. 

Then there's the offseason. The texts. The calls. The sleepless nights. Sami's phone vibrating, robbing him of an extra minute or two of sleep, as he breathes sleepily into the phone. Kevin apologizing for waking him, even though Sami knows he isn't all that sorry. They talk until Kevin tells him he can see the sun coming up, and asks Sami what time it is in Finland. Sami laughs, because most of the time he isn't actually in Finland. And, really, shouldn't Kevin know this by now?

Sami always has to order the strongest caffeinated beverage Starbucks has after he and Kevin finish their phone conversations. 

He thinks about all the plane rides he and Kevin have made. Ontario feels so far away. Sami is quite sure he has memorized the layout of Hamilton International Airport, not to mention the fastest route he can take to get to Kevin. 

And there's the moments that blur into the next. Sami can't help but wish someone would pinch him, so he could know for sure what was real and what isn't. The only thing he does know is that Kevin feels real in a world that sometimes feels so unreal. 

There's a moment before the end:

Sami's sitting in the player's lounge, staring straight ahead, even though he's staring at nothing in particular. Johanna's at home. Sami's texted her to tell her not to expect him home for a while. He looks up when he hears Kevin's voice.

_Is this goodbye?_ Sami whispers. 

_No,_ Kevin says. Come with me. 

_Katie's in Ontario?_

Kevin just nods. 

There are plenty of reasons for Sami to say no, but none of those reasons come to mind, as he stares up at Kevin. 

_Ryan's going home to see Andrea,_ Kevin says in a voice that explains it all. And, really, Sami has known the answer to that unspoken question for a long time. 

_Your place?_ Sami finally breathes. 

_Yes,_ Kevin replies. 

Sami feels the warmth of Kevin's palm pressing against his, as he leads him up the stairs. He never wants the moment to end.

Kevin presses him up against his closed door, and Sami doesn't think he will ever grow tired of feeling Kevin touch him. 

_Sami …_ Kevin breathes against his ear.

And really, in that moment, it's enough. It's not good-bye. It's just … 

_Real._


End file.
